DENIAL AND ENABLING

Two important words to learn when dealing with a drinking or drug problem in a family are denial and enabling. Family members often consciously or unconsciously deny the problem and therefore enable the person to keep drinking or using.

DENIAL: Refusal to acknowledge the truth of a statement or allegation. A rejection of belief.
ENABLING: Supplying with the means, knowledge or chance to be or do something. To make possible.

The above are dictionary definitions of the words. It is logical to reason that refusing to acknowledge a type of behavior can make that behavior possible to continue. How many of the following phrases have you beard, or thought or even used yourself?

DENLAL PHRASES:
‘I know he doesn’t have a drinking/drug problem because he holds a job.” (Many alcoholics and drug abusers hold jobs.)
She can stop whenever she wishes.” (Alcoholics can stop for a period.)
He doesn’t drink that h liquor, so I know there’s not a problem: (There are beer and wine alcoholics.)
“I don’t find bottles around the house” (Alcoholism is not a stereotyped disease.)

DENIAL PHRASES ABOUT TEENAGE USE:
“Thank God, it’s only beer....not drugs.” (Alcohol is the #1 drug of choice for teens)
“I know she only has a few beers because I’ve never seen her drunk.” (Do you wait up for your teenager? Do you talk to her face to face for more than a few minutes when she comes home? Not just “Hi, I’m home.”)
“I know my child doesn’t ‘party’ or go to those parties.” (Do you really know?)
“There isn’t anymore drinking going on today than when we were kids.’ (Statistics show that young people are starting to drink at a younger age and are drinking more.)

Often people who use such denial phrases are closing their minds to problems around them and are, therefore, enabling a loved one to continue self-destructive behavior. Enabling also involves taking responsibility for problems that are caused by the alcoholic.

ENABLING BEHAVIOR:
Making excuses if the person is too drunk or hung over to go to work/school/an appointment/a social engagement. (Don’t bail him out. Let him explain for himself.)

Putting the person to bed if she passes out somewhere else. (Don’t make it too comfortable for her. Leave her where she is. Just make sure she is safe.)

Cleaning up after him if he is sick. (Leave it. Let him see the mess and clean it up himself after he sobers up.)

MAKE THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS (OR HER) OWN BEHAVIOR.

WHERE TO FIND HELP: Anyone living in an alcoholic family (a family where at least one person is an alcoholic) can seek help at AL-ANON meetings. Teens can attend AL-ATEEN meetings.

Committee on Drugs and Alcohol, Darien, CT, COPE NEWSLETTER
VOL.III, No. 3