WAYS TO BECOME LESS DEPENDENT

Write your own Declaration of Independence in which you spell out for yourself how you want to function in all relationships, note eliminating compromise, but wiping out any “manipulation without representation.” “I, the person, In order to have a more perfect union, etc.”

Talk with each person upon whom you feel psychologically dependent. State your aim to function independently, and explain how you feel when you do things out of a sense of obligation. This is an excellent strategy for getting started, because the other may not even be aware that you feel dependent.

Give yourself limited goals for dealing with dominant people in your life. Try a one—shot ‘No, I don’t want to.” and test the other person’s reaction.

Arrange a planning session with your dominant partner at a “calm” time ‘when you are not feeling threatened. During this session, state that you sometimes feel manipulated and submissive. Explain that you would like to agree on a non—verbal signal to use whenever you are feeling dependent but don’t want to discuss it at that time. (e.g., tugging the ear).

At the moment you are feeling shoved—around psychologically; state how you feel, and then act out the way you’d like to behave.

Remind yourself that parents, spouses, friends, bosses, children and others will often disapprove of your behavior, but that this has nothing to do with who or what you are. It is a given fact in any relationship that you will incur some disapproval. If you learn to expect this disapproval, then you won’t be surprised by it. In this way, you can break many of the dependency ties that enslave you emotionally.

Even if you are deliberately avoiding dominant people (parent, boss, child, partner), you are still being controlled by them in their absence if you are experiencing emotional immobilization because of them.

If you are feeling obligated to visit certain people, ask yourself if you would want others to visit you simply because they felt required to do so. If not, extend a similar courtesy to those whom you are treating in this manner, and talk it out with them.

Make a decision to get out of your dependency role by doing volunteer work, reading, getting a baby—sitter (even if you can’t afford it), getting a job that doesn’t necessarily even pay well. Why! Simply because the remuneration of your own money in any creative way that you can devise.

Let those dependencies go! Let yourself go! Stop giving orders! Stop taking orders! Stop trying to be “in control” of people and events around you.

Recognize your desire and need for privacy and stop feeling as though you need to share everything you feel and experience with someone. You are unique and special. If you think you must share everything, then you are without a choice, and of course, dependent.