This is from a book called Alateen. It gives a really good explanation of why substance dependence affects the whole family. Two things to keep in mind as you read it:

1) They use the word “alcoholism”, but all this applies to any form of substance dependence.

2) This book is written for children of alcoholics, but it also applies when the teenager is substance dependent and parents/siblings are being affected.

Why Is Alcoholism Called a Family Disease?

At first, we may think alcoholism is called a family disease because it seems to run in families. Most Al-Anon members are spouses of alcoholics. But they are often the children of alcoholics as well. They may have brothers or sisters who have the disease or who are married to alcoholics. Doctors have observed that there is often more than one alcoholic in a family; for this reason, they have said that there is a family tendency to develop alcoholism, just as there is a family tendency to develop diabetes. However, it has not yet been proved that alcoholism is directly inherited.
In Alateen, when we say alcoholism is a family disease, we mean that the alcoholism of one member affects the whole family, and all become sick. Why does that happen? It happens because, unlike diabetes, alcoholism not only exists inside the body of the alcoholic, but is a disease of relationships as well. Many of the symptoms of alcoholism are in the behavior of the alcoholic. The people who are involved with the alcoholic react to his behavior. They try to control it, make up for it or hide it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt by it. Eventually they become emotionally disturbed themselves.

· The family’s obsession. The family often ends up being just as obsessed with the alcoholic’s drinking as lie is, only they are trying to figure out how to stop it, and he is trying to figure out how to keep it up. As a result of their obsession, they forget everything else. Children are neglected, friends are dropped, outside interests dwindle, and responsibilities are forgotten. Much of the non—alcoholic’s time is spent trying to figure out ways of changing the alcoholic. But nothing works.

· The family’s anxiety. When the alcoholic gets into trouble because of his drinking, the family worries. They are so afraid of what will happen that they do anything to get the alcoholic off the hook. They do his work, pay his bills, pick up his messes, patch up his mistakes, and tell lies for him. Without realizing it, they make it possible for him to continue drinking. They don’t know that removing all the painful results of the drinking only reaffirms the alcoholic’s conviction that he can drink as much as he wants and nothing bad will happen.

· The family ‘s anger. Frustrated by the alcoholic’s behavior and their own inability to control it, and thinking that the alcoholic drinks on purpose because he doesn’t love them, the family turns on him in anger. They argue and fight, call each other names, try to get even for all the hurt they have suffered. The home becomes a battleground. The family doesn’t realize that the alcoholic drinks because he can’t help it and that he hates himself for it. By punishing him for his behavior, they convince him he is unlovable. And this takes away the guilt he feels, because having been punished for his drinking, he feels the slate has been wiped clean. He figures he has made up for his bad behavior, so he can drink again.

· The family’s denial. The alcoholic denies he has a problem. He denies he needs help. He promises never to drink again. By accepting his promises, the family is denying the problem too. It is the same as saying they look the alcoholic is behaving that way on purpose. They wouldn’t accept his promises if they realized he is sick, and can’t help himself. They deny the problem when they hide it from others and pretend it doesn’t exist. They deny the problem when they make threats and don’t follow through. The alcoholic’s family often says one thing and does another. They are not aware that the alcoholic is ‘listening’’ to what they do, and not to what they say.

· The children are caught in the middle. As the children of alcoholics, we are affected in many ways. We may be hurt directly by the alcoholic’s behavior, especially if there is violence. When he is drinking, the alcoholic often makes promises he can’t keep or doesn’t remember making. We may find this hard to take until we understand the illness. Or there may he money problems. We may be ashamed of our home or afraid we’ll be embarrassed in front of our friends. We may even blame ourselves for the alcoholic’s drinking

Our non—alcoholic parents may give us problems too. As a result of their preoccupation with the drinking problem, they may neglect us, be irritable, inconsistent, demanding or confused. They may try to get us to help control the alcoholic by watching him, keeping quiet so as not to disturb him, going to the bar to get him, telling lies to hide the problem from the neighbors. They may even blame us for the drinking.
It is no wonder then that we end up hating ourselves, our parents, life, and everything in it! We may have trouble with school work, be afraid of people, lack self-confidence, fear the future, or suffer from “nervous’’ disorders. Some of us have even run away from home, or gotten into trouble with the law. But it isn’t hopeless. With the help of Alateen, we can learn to lessen the damaging effect of alcoholism on ourselves and become happy, emotionally healthy people.